Mastery Through Accomplishment: Desire

I started to write a post here about desire and include some historical stuff. I thought the better of the history part. The history about this issue in my life is not important to now. The desire I feel in this moment and how its impacting me is. That’s all I need to deal with.

Desire frequently obscures the truth about relationships in my life….whether I desire a chance to have a friendship with someone or want sex or want abundance, I find myself distracted from what’s most important to me to be doing. The most intense type of desire is the kind we usually think of when we use that word…sexual desire, but I just want to point out that sometimes it effects me in other forms too…just not as frequently and it doesn’t do so in a way that diverts my attention from my goals being accomplished.

I have grown exceedingly frustrated with this pattern in my life. I had enough of it and as usual when I’m fed up with myself about something, I start doing things that I wasn’t willing to do before, like let others in on my failures about achieving something and why that is.

One of the things that I’ve been doing about it is to read a book called Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire by Lama Yeshe. Here’s what Lama Yeshe has to say about transforming desire:

“In Tantric practice the idea is unification of our desires with the Light.”

I could have included a whole chapter on how desire effects us and manifests problems. Yada, yada. It is a good read, but I’m at the cut to the chase level with this, so what you are getting here is the 500 word essay version. Desire distracts me. I can’t think. I can’t seem to resist it.

Well I couldn’t in the past. That’s changing. I have gradually, stopped accepting anything less than what i want from relationships. Not because I’m selfish, but simply because no matter what I do, I cannot make a bad relationship that’s all full of deal breakers that cannot be surmounted okay. I just can’t. I’m not a miracle worker. And what’s more, I dont’ want to be. I just don’t have the energy to make it right. I can’t fix what isn’t going to fit together to begin with, never mind what gets broken through bad behavior and poor choices.

I remember nearly ten years ago now that I was listening to this man who ran a closed spiritual group. He was talking about how he had learned over the years, that the very first time he has a gut clenching moment in the onset of a relationship, he cuts to the chase and walks away. I thought that was damned cold.

Years later, after lots of loss, heart ache and strife in my life…dear God I get his point and I know how he got there too. I’m there. I just don’t want to play games any more with myself. I don’t want to pretend something is okay or that it will work when its not going to…so I just don’t any more.

And I am distracting myself with stuff that’s beside the point. The point is, that my desire to have loving connection in my life has been an important desire to follow. Its led me to wholeness and strength. Its led me to my Buddha nature. it is the single most important thing I could do if I ever want to have my step daughter back in my life. Its the most important thing I can do for myself…to follow my desire.

But it is also not serving me well as a lead in other ways.

Its seriously distracting me. Geez….enough of that already.

So…it says to mix this desire for pleasure with light. Okay…I’m game. Bring it on.

I’ve been doing Creative Visualization and Divine Light Invocation as a part of my regular spiritual preparation for settling in to work on my goals each day. Its helping. I’m making slow progress but I’m doing it at a better rate than before.

The other suggestion is to go at a rate that does not add so much desire it engulfs me….to proceed slowly with it. I’m not sure how I do that, but I have much more to read. *winks*

And there seems to be some new folk showing up in my life who are making pointed suggestions that are helping also. A reader on one of my other blogs has befriended me in the last year and he’s made lots of suggestions about how I can better manage my sexual energy with certain meditations. Yup. That helped tremendously. I’ve gained alot more control of the desire as a result.

I’ve also begun to detach from people who deliberately inflame me. I have begun to detach from situations and reading that make things for difficult for me. That’s helping.

Recently I am befriending someone who will be teaching me more about tantra and I think this is one of the things that we’ll share knowledge about. I am looking forward to his influence in my life. I think that he’ll make me think and that he’ll teach me some discipline through example and loving exchange with me. Those are perfect avenues for me to learn.

Now…I’ve met part of a goal by completing this post tonight. Now I have one more to write and I can go to sleep. *smiles*