Walking the Pipe into No Mind

Yesterday, I republished one of the last two posts from my former blog Defining Spiritual Presence, which was deleted a few months ago. This is the last one. It is the product of meditation time with my pipe and it directly speaks to the struggles I’ve had with the topic of Diverting and the long period of time that I’ve prayed about this issue.

I think now that I needed to get some big self hate/love issues out of the way. Now I have and lack of focus is still in the way, so is a big fear or two….but mostly its the bad habits of too much time on my hands from being ill for so long and the residual habits of self sabotage that were the side effect of a twisted self viewpoint. These things will take forming new habits…but these are the thoughts I once had about it and its a step along the process in which I’ve made relationship with my pipe in the past year….the first year that I’ve carried a pipe. Its a responsibility that I hope I’ve carried with grace.

I have had some moments of power with my pipe and this is one. I did not make note of when this was published originally:

I started my day today in the center of song and pipe smoke…It was my first time filling and smoking a pipe.

I discovered some things today. I discovered that it is hard to smoke the pipe alone. That is a lot of material. I hadn’t expected that.

I discovered that in the center of the smoke is the place of no mind.

Lately my prayer has been to step into the flow, to surrender to it and trust that in that place all that needs to be done, experienced, learned, accomplished, will be.

I am not so good at this. I instinctively seek to control…so that I need not be afraid, so that I won’t miss anything or loose anyone.

The truth is that I loose much in trying to control. Things constantly slip through my grasp.

I have experienced no mind before. I recognised it for brief seconds in the smoke. I felt it’s powerful presence. It felt like a huge relief to achieve those moments…to feel freed of the need for control, the sense of loss and disappointment that I’ve felt at not accomplishing important things in my life in a timely manner….because I procrastinate, because I micromanage things that shouldn’t be, because I obsess on stuff that distracts me from accomplishment.

Today, I humbly admitted in my prayers that I cannot stay focused; that I am incapable of it. I prayed for assistance.

Later, as I walked, I thought about what was next. I didn’t think about being where I was. I wasn’t mentally with my feet. I wasn’t noticing them moving under me, the sunshine, the wispy clouds. I only thought about what I would do after the walk.

I could only shake my head when I realized this, but I continued my walk, continued to try. I followed the flow where I needed to walk. I went up this steep hill which is a challenge for me if I haven’t walked much in a few weeks. Well I haven’t walked much the last two months. I’ve even been gaining a little weight. So I forced my feet up this hill, a hill that was easy for me in September and as I gasped for air as I did last spring when I first started walking up this little steep hill, I felt this great sadness rise up in me. I felt such sadness that my body hadn’t been exercising. It makes me feel so good. So happy. I felt tears welling in response to how sad I felt. I paused in the sunshine, facing it over the tops of the trees and let the glow of it cleanse me.

I am still trying to follow the flow. I will continue to lean into the guidance it brings to me…and to follow it into no mind…