Rosa at Sands of Time posted and answered a series of questions on the topic of diverting from goals. I thought they were really good questions and wanted to engage in the same examination of consciousness…perhaps even adding to the list of questions. Its a good meditation….especially since I noticed how I felt so resistant to even reading her answers, never mind answering and posting them myself. Seems like a thing I need to do then, else there would be no need for resistance…eh? *winks* By the way, Rosa and I kinda had an exchange in the comments on my last post. These images are for her…They are of lightening over a volcano obviously. But this is a natural occurrence. Eruptions cause lightening and scientists are not able to explain it. All of what is happening is a great Mystery for sure…but I feel very sure that the lightening is the sheer force of Life. It is so forceful and so powerful that it is destructive to a vessel that cannot contain it. It is pure, undiluted Soul. I think this is the Thunder Beings dancing with Pele to make life anew…*smiles*

How do you usually divert yourself? In other words, what is your most common method of stalling?

Romance, sex and emotional turmoil.

What is the net result of your actions? How does this really affect you from reaching your goals?

I don’t finish my projects and I feel angry with myself. I feel like a failure. I feel really sad. I sometimes ask myself if I just really don’t want to do it. If I should let it go and do something else with myself. And then an overwhelming sense of sadness hits me and I know its not true that I should let it go. In fact, just finishing one project will take nearly no time at all, but I just…don’t do it. I would be so happy with myself if I did it….but I don’t.

Are there changes in your life you’ve been contemplating lately?

The ones that would come if I were to complete my project. I want a tantric partner again. I want a different place to live. I want a new car and a better income.

Have you done anything to realize these changes you want?

My project? A little progress has been made recently. But its not done and I’m not satisfied with that. I have made some friendships with some men which might net me a tantric partner. I have been doing creative visualization on all of these topics. I have set in motion some opportunities for creating more income and am waiting to see what happens with that. I am talking here about diverting. And I think that I need to deal with the diverting thing a bit more on my private blog…perhaps doing a report on when I am or am not doing anything toward getting what I want. Its my projects that are the most important to me and that’s the very thing that I divert myself from.

What fears do you have about reaching your goal?

I am afraid of saying what I am afraid of here. I think that I will share that on my private blog with those few readers there…but there is something I fear. The lessor fears are that I am foolish and wasteful with the abundance that comes my way or that I do it and no one wants what I’ve written. These fears aren’t that big really….Its the other one that I’m realizing has much more bearing on all this…and its the thing that made me want to avoid these questions.

What do you want to accomplish this week?

I want to clean my house for some guests that are coming. I want to spend some time with friends and family and meet a potential for Tantric partnership. I want to heal some stuff with my husband. I want to find at least 30 minutes a day to write on my projects as well as 7 minutes for my morning pages.

And I’m sure you’ve notice where I put my priority on the list?

What do you want to accomplish in the next month?

Finish one of my books and have it edited. I flatly refuse to allow myself to write anything else on that list, though there are things crowding in because of my summer ceremony.

What do you think you should be doing right now?

Cleaning the kitchen, putting away laundry, washing the bathroom and cleaning up the dining room table….and doing my morning pages and my 30 minutes on the book.

What would you like to be doing right now?

Truthfully? Practicing Tantra…beside the shore.

Any additional thoughts to help you on your goals?

I wondered when I was reading Rosa’s answers to these questions about how I’d feel when I answered them. I felt alot of shame….and I wondered why. The fact that I did makes me also feel sad. I have spent much of my life experiencing shame for one reason or another…and much of that time its because I have been an object of jealousy. And my great need to avoid that experience made me live and act small….at least that’s part of the reason. The other reason is that I didn’t like or love myself enough. For many reasons, I didn’t think I was good enough. Somehow, success and these feelings of shame…perhaps even my fears of others being jealous of my success haunts me. I am afraid of it.